Procrastination Tips Nos. 16-20

Procrastination Tip #16
All this criticism of federal government surveillance will disappear once we realize that we now have a way to precisely retrace our steps so that we can find our missing car keys.

Procrastination Tip #17
What picture book could’ve influenced a toddler Vladimir Putin to become human?

Procrastination Tip #18
Speaking of things Russian, I successfully threw away an old garbage can using the “matryoshka doll method,” which requires a larger garbage can that I wanted to keep.

Procrastination Tip #19
I think one of my toes is growing, but I can’t be sure without going through all our old family photo albums in search of a baseline.

Procrastination Tip #20
What the world needs is a poem that rhymes “waif,” “naif,” and “giraiffe.”

Come on, what’s your favorite procrastination tip?

Always go for the berries

Canadiansis excrementii

The good life according to Canadiansis excrementii.

The coffee shop guy (baristo?) didn’t hesitate when I asked him which scone he recommended–the blueberry or the lemon. “Always go for the berries,” he said. His reasoning was that the basic batter was the same for both and included a touch of lemon. And so I had the lemon-infused blueberry scone.

It occurred to me that his advice had a wider application, and I promised to look. Later that day, inspired by the debut of yet another generation of Canada geese (Canadiansis excrementii), several interpretations of “always go for the berries” came to mind:

  • “Know what’s important.” Eat dessert first.
  • “Be on the lookout for something special amidst the routine.” Pay attention or someone else will find that insect or corn kernel lying in the weeds.
  • “Given a choice, select the most extraordinary or rare.” Don’t fill up on grass at the all-you-can-eat park buffet.
  • “Look for the two-fer.” Garbage is a likely source of more than one food group at a time.
  • “What are you waiting for?” Keep moving. Don’t dawdle. Food isn’t going to jump in your mouth.
  • “Enjoy now and deal with the consequences later.” Like berries through a goose.

What does “always go for the berries” mean to you? If you favor an alternative philosophy, what is it?

[Second Thought: It is possible, of course, to overdo this advice and by always choosing berries, destroy their mystique. Going for the berries without exception risks becoming desensitized to their special delights. Overused becomes overlooked. That’s why in J-School they warn against resorting to the same fireworks every time to open story, an error known as “berrying the lede.”]

Procrastination Tips Nos. 11-15

Procrastination Tip #11
Suppose local TV newsreaders spoke like that to their loved ones at home: “Thanks to you, honey…these kids…won’t go hungry…tonight.”

Procrastination Tip #12
Vampires. Werewolves. Zombies. Who’ll be the next horde to threaten the world with annihilation? (Did we forget to mention X and Y? And why is the list alphabetically back-loaded anyway?)

Procrastination Tip #13
Procrastination Tip #9 might not be true. It might be made up.

Procrastination Tip #14
Stretch a rubber band from your index finger to your little finger across the back of your hand behind your knuckles. See how long it takes to get it off using only that one hand, touching no other surfaces.

Procrastination Tip #15
Imagine the view of South Dakota from Geo. Washington’s left nostril. Can you see Old Abe a-tall?

Come on, what’s your favorite procrastination tip?

Procrastination Tips Nos. 6-10

Procrastination Tip #6
A pencil-sharpener app would be awesome.

Procrastination Tip #7
Is wool hair or fur?

Procrastination Tip #8
Arrange the fingers of one hand so that each of them simultaneously touches the other four. Don’t let anyone see you doing this.

Procrastination Tip #9
Seven of 10 people can think of more English words that contain “uu” than contain “aa” than contain “ii.”

Procrastination Tip #10
Suppose “the young man from Nantucket” were a haiku instead of a limerick.

Come on, what’s your favorite procrastination tip?

Procrastination Tips Nos. 1-5

Procrastination Tip #1
Convection currents in the air above hot coffee cause cream scum floating on the surface to ripple and flex. Stare as long as you want, the patterns formed will never repeat.

Procrastination Tip #2
Everything hung on the walls within sight is slightly crooked. Attempts at telekinetic correction will only make the degree of crookedness more pronounced.

Procrastination Tip #3
Thread count–it’s considered a quality-of-life measure in some circles.

Procrastination Tip #4
Seventeen of 46 Triple-A baseball teams are named after animals, 18 if you consider a baseball “bat” to be an animal. Most of the animal mascots are depicted as ferocious and/or stern in their team logos, even the parakeet.

Procrastination Tip #5
What is the Botswana-Pula-to-US-Dollar exchange rate right this minute?!

Come on, what’s your favorite procrastination tip?