News Item: The picture that emerges from what is one of the largest stashes of al-Qaida documents to be made public shows a rigid bureaucracy…obsessed with documenting the most minute expenses. (Associated Press, December 30)
To: Field Commanders with al-Qaida in the Bowels of the Great Satan
From: AQ Home Office
Re: Expense account procedures
Reminding agents in the field of the requirement to submit expense records in triplicate to ensure prompt reimbursement. Per section 3.0247 of the Employee Handbook, “expense account rectitude” determines 20 percent of one’s Lifetime Achievement Bonus, rounded up, of course, to the nearest whole virgin.
To: Home Office
From: Yahya Khalid, Commander, Big 10/16 Branch AQ-BGS
Re: December 2013 expense summary:
- Macaroni — $4.50
- Meat — $10.75
- 2 cartons tea — $1.20
- 2 soaps — $1.60
- AXE Deodorant Body Spray Apollo® — $6
- Domicile doorman (a) — $25
- Sporting headgear (yellow, triangular, simulated cheese design) — $19
- Repair of car — $88
- Taxicab fare — $13
- Domicile doorman (b) — $30
- Fighter advances — $490
- Trip for spreading propaganda — $200
To: Yahya Khalid, Commander, Big 10/16 Branch AQ-BGS
From: Abi Abou Omar, Director, AQHO Accounting
Re: Clarification request — December 2013 AQ-BGS expenses
Require explanation of the highlighted items in your last expense report (attached). Failure to provide adequate expense rationales as indicated is punishable by the forced detachment of the terminal, prehensile portion of the offender’s upper left limb, per section 8.111 of the Employee Hand-Relinquishment Book.
To: Abi Abou Omar, Director, AQHO Accounting
From: Yahya Khalid, Commander, Big 10/16 Branch AQ-BGS
Re: December 2013 expense justifications
In the name of The Martyr Who Now Resides in the Uncharted Depths of the North Arabian Sea, I swear that the following expenditures represent true and fundamental usages of allocated organizational funds, essential for successful, undetected surveillance of the Great Satan. Specifically–
- Item AXE Body Spray: Scented aerosol to mask the odors of the infidel masses. (In this case, the capitalist honorific ® is well-earned.)
- Item doorman (a): Monthly gratuity required in exchange for the pretense of ignorance of tenants’ arrivals/departures and/or non-conversance in English in response to inquiries from authorities.
- Item headgear: Field disguise required for surreptitious movement among the indigenous peoples of northern dairy regions.
- Item car repair: Overhaul of satellite radio receiver to restore daily access to inspirational music channel Jihadi Jam.
- Item taxicab: Transport whilst car in shop. Unsolicited excess blank receipt forms attached as evidence of routine Western corruption.
- Item doorman (b): Monthly “informant trust-building” expense for participation in weekend gambling rituals involving foot-ball, the local equivalent of buzkashi, which substitutes an inflated swine-skin bladder for the customary headless goat carcass.
- Item fighter advances: Monthly payments for tent readiness expert, daily sustenance preparation specialist, tea wrangler, and massage-adept security professionals (2).
- Item propaganda trip: Field research into the objectivization of woman by means of the rhythmic self-removal of traditional garments. Expense covers printing of shaming flyers to be placed on the windscreens of patrons’ parked cars in addition to multiple visits to ascertain the proper number of flyers needed on “2-4-1 Night”.
To: Yahya Khalid, Commander, Big 10/16 Branch AQ-BGS
From: Abi Abou Omar, Director, AQHO Accounting
Re: Graphic documentation request — December 2013 AQ-BGS expenses
Approval of “propaganda trip” expense reimbursement requires the submission of photographic evidence of aforementioned female degradation, delivered to the accounting director’s personal Dropbox site. Praise be The Almighty Limited Liability Corporatehood.
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